I Feel Bad About My Neck

Over Thanksgiving (and, I swear, this will be my last post about Thanksgiving!), I went to Montana with nothing to read...no, wait, I finished my book on the plane by the time we landed in Salt Lake...but, I didn't bring a back-up because I knew my mom would have something to keep me busy (and I secretly hoped we would take a family outing to Borders to restock my library!).

My mom was two chapters into this book, but let me take over while I was in town and I am SO glad she did. I really enjoyed this book! The author, Nora Ephron, is also the writer of the screenplays "When Harry Met Sally," "Sleepless in Seattle," and "You've Got Mail"--a Stimpson family favorite! I Feel Bad About My Neck...and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman is a series of very clever essays through which the author chronicles her life as an ardent New Yorker, an obsessed cook, and an intern at the White House during the JFK years, among other things. She speaks about hating her purse, redecorating her aparment, hosting dinner parties, getting married, getting divorced, and, one of my favorites: buying an amazing apartment that she can't really afford (to justify this purchase, she takes the cost of the apartment and amortizes it over the time she could live there, until the cost of the apartment per day was less than a Frappuccino from Starbucks--this same process can be used the same way to justify ANY purchase!). But mostly she speaks honestly and candidly about life as a woman of a certain age, as she faces the reality that she’s sixty-five, dyes her hair, and is not happy about her neck, her failed attempts at ambitious exercise programs, and other personal failures shared by many. I admit, I did feel a bit too young to be reading this, and I couldn't relate to many of her insights; but, I found myself laughing out loud in almost every chapter! Nora Ephron writes in an intimate style that makes her seem like a close friend sharing details about her life. I think by reading the wisdom and advice she offers, I will try harder not to take certain things about being a 20-something for granted...like the tight, youthful skin on my neck! (Enjoy it while it lasts, girls!)

Here is an excerpt from her chapter of one-liners, What I Wish I'd Known:

People have only one way to be.

Buy, don’t rent.

Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced
from.

Don’t cover a couch with anything that isn’t more or
less beige.

Don’t buy anything that is 100 percent wool even if it
seems to be very soft and not particularly itchy when
you try it on in the store.

You can’t be friends with people who call after 11 p.m.

The world’s greatest babysitter burns out after two and
a half years.

The last four years of psychoanalysis are a waste of
money.

The plane is not going to crash.

Anything you think is wrong with your body at the age
of thirty-five you will be nostalgic for at the age of forty-
five.

At the age of fifty-five you will get a saggy roll just
above your waist even if you are painfully thin.

This saggy roll just above your waist will be especially
visible from the back and will force you to reevaluate
half the clothes in your closet, especially the white
shirts.

Write everything down.

Keep a journal.

Take more pictures.

The empty nest is underrated.

You can order more than one dessert.

You can’t own too many black turtleneck sweaters.

If the shoe doesn’t fit in the shoe store, it’s never going
to fit.

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have
a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

Back up your files.

Overinsure everything.

Whenever someone says the words “Our friendship is
more important than this,” watch out, because it almost
never is.

There’s no point in making piecrust from scratch.

Overtip.

If only one third of your clothes are mistakes, you’re ahead of the game.